I really need to go to a Bible study so that I can learn to read scripture in context.

God deserves to be praised because He is loving, He is worthy, He is constant, He never fails us, He wants us, He is the creator, He is God. He wants our prayers and he wants to have a relationship with Us. Which is intense because I see how much I stumble, I see how much those aorund me stumble, I see how the world stumbles, and it is irritating. Why should we Ever have to doubt God and question Him and then stumble and question ourselves when God is constant and mighty and true to his word? He is very big. Try to put yourself in perpective, compared to how Large the World is. Don’t even think about the universe, just look into the sky and notice how immense it is. Look at an ant and place your finger next to it. God’s finger is huge and we are the tiny ants that He could literally squish without touching it.

I really need to learn how to dig into God’s word and be Encouraged by it more than frightened. I have trouble with mixing myself with the people of the Bible who had unbelieving hearts. I do believe in God, in Christ, but then I have trouble believing in my salvation when I shouldn’t. Because I don’t have the feelings I believe my faith should produce, or I am not guilty of my sins uless they are ‘really bad’ in my eyes, because I have trouble seeking comfort from God’s promises and His words to US, I doubt myself. And in doubting myself I end up doubting God and then I get into this whole mess of trouble.

But right now, I don’t feel what I would define as peace, but contentment. I don’t feel scared or worried, and I’ve been like that since my prayer the other day after I freaked out about the verse from Hebrews. God HAS to be working on me. I know people who have gone through the same exact thing I have. They’ve grown up in the church, and they can say God brought them out of it, or is slowly bringing them out of it. I’m not alone. And I am slowly beginning to see God answering prayers. I am slowly beginning to understand fear of the Lord.

I want to keep typing to try and explain myself more, but I have trouble with speaking/writing/conveying my thoughts without going in circles.

Pray for me, please? I know I always am asking for prayer, and about the same things over and over. My dad tells me I’m being to hard on myself. But am I? Really?

Pray that God would convict me of my sin so that I may repent from it. Pray that He convicts me of my pride. Pray that He shows me a way out of this ditch that I’ve fallen into. I cannot focus on life, I cann’t focus on anything but getting out. PRay that he heals any unbelief that I may have-similar to the man who asked Jesus to heal his son. Pray that my love for God increases so much more because of Jesus. Pray that God would just open my eyes to what I have been missing. Pray that I would realize things I’ve never realized, that I will have assurance of my salvation and perfect peace in him, that I may have a new testimony to share with people at school in a couple weeks, that I will not have to try and live up to how other’s have a greater passion for christ than I, pray that my heart changes, that I will love people more than I do now, that Christ will shine through me, that he will guide me every day with the HS, that I will not ignore when the HS is convicting me in anything I do, that I will never cease to praise him, that I won’t lose focus, that I can get past this through God so that I can faithfully share my trial with others, that people may be saved as a result of my trial so that His kingdom may be increased with love.

I spoke with my Pastor today, my mom, and my dad. I now feel at peace and am not dwelling as much on fears and doubts in my salvation. What surprised me was that the pastor and his assistant both had similar testimonies. They both grew up in the church and had doubts about their salvation, but in time and by trusting and believing in God they came to know without any further doubting that they were true believers and that they had the HS within them.

Now what I am fighting, his heart knowledge v. head knowledge. I definitely know in my head that everything in the Bible is true, but I’m fighting myself in the belief. I still need prayer for that. I do believe in my heart that God is real, that he created you and me and everything in the universe, and that Jesus lived and died for me on the cross. My ongoing struggle for a while I assume, as God strengthens my faith, is the impact and peace and joy that comes from being receptive to the gospel.

I still need to feel the wonder and the GOD DID THAT for ME? Feeling, along with the strong strong heart gut feelings. I was listening to The Protomen, I was getting all hyped up in explaining it to my mom. What I need to do, is be THAT EXCITED FOR WHAT JESUS DID FOR ME. Not be joyous about fictional characters saving each other and a disbelieving city from evil robots. Exactly.

I’m beginning to receive more trust and faith and insight into the gospel by God, I believe. I believe that I am saved, through faith, all I need to do now is trust in the Lord God and Praise HiM! Not dwell on my fears or doubts satan places in my mind to scare me. This draws my attention from God. I need to be more concerned with Loving my King and receiving joy and faith though that praise and prayer.

PRAY FOR ME THAT GOD REVEALS HIMSELF EVEN FURTHER, CONTINUES TO GIVE ME PEACE, AND ALLOWS ME TO BE SO IMPACTED MY THE REALIZATION OF WHAT CHRSIST DID FOR ME THAT I AM NEVER THE SAME AGAIN.