I’m thinking about the different career choices I would like to pursue once/if I have the Social Work degree by my junior year of college. Are there social worker’s who practice therapy for mental health disorders such as eating disorders in which there is counseling and the teaching of nutrition? Helping them overcome their mindset and teaching how to eat right and still feel good about yourself? And helping them through deeper struggles of an eating disorder. As you can tell, I’m not fully knowledgeable about eating disorders, the different types, and how to help someone in that situation. But if there are any social workers out there, you should talk to me :) and tell me what you do! Or people in behavioral healthcare :)

I’m really into photography, and I have all of my photos(the good ones) on my facebook page… I want a legitimate website for them, but I need to be more established as a photographer before I do that. I really, really want to be known by my nature photos and my photos of people, however, I don’t have any models besides my friends. Which isn’t that bad, but I need to get out there! I want to be recognized by other photographers! I want to win contests! I want to earn money! Haha. Money isn’t my focus though. For me, photography opens up the availability for pride, which is the downfall of all mankind. I’m slowly learning that photography, and multiple things, can be used for my benefit, and when I continue to think along “me” and “I”, the focus is taken off of God and I begin to idolize my own talents. It is humbling to know that God is pointing out my flaws and teaching me to use my talents for His glory, and that I shouldn’t recognize myself but Him. I need to glorify Him by showing the world what He is capable of, and His creation. I do want to honor Him with my photos. I know that once I am well established in the photography world, He deserves all the credit.

Our motives need to be of a pure heart. When we sing to God during worship, we should do it not based on feelings(though that tends to drive us), but on the truths of the lyrics. We need to learn How to push ourselves out of the way and how to correctly Rejoice in God.

I know that I have been convicted of going through the motions at church. I feel like I’m just singing empty lines that have to personal meaning. Sometimes the Feeling contributes. And I just stopped singing because it just felt wrong. Recently I just stopped singing in general because of the funk I have been in, because I believed myslef to be sinning by just mindlessly singing.

With prayer and petition, we need to ask God to create within us a pure heart and allow us to wroship him truthfully and based on faith. It is hard, but I know that He will be able to bring us into true worship.

hopemoore:

(Source: imnotthereasonthatyoureinsane)

So I’ve grown up in the church, started preschool and continued through fifth grade. I knew everyone to an extent and I went to church on Wednesdays, but grew out of it, and went on Sundays and was one of the best at memorization and understanding the messages till I entered Middle School. Or fifth grade… one of them.

I got saved at age 8 according to my dad, after he explained the roman’s road to me and that we are separated from God by our sins, and so I prayed to receive Christ then, on a Sunday morning I think he said. All I remember is that I’d grown up believing in God/Christ and I prayed(I just remember asking God to wake me up at a certain time in the morning so I could get ready quickly and go online and to save the lives of many lizards that were dying under my care or got stepped on or something…my care for them improved though ;) ) and I did get convicted about inviting one of my friends to church. I remember the Sunday that she came, and she was singing the worship songs, which did encourage me because I felt/still feel self-conscious in big worship and she was soooo happy. The environment was wonderful. I don’t remember why I invited her, but I did. I knew that she wasn’t a christian and so I guess that was why I was convicted?

But as I got into eighth grade I wanted to go to Wednesday night church and sunday services(sometimes). It was gradual for me, because my interest in church was growing. I found it to be more significant and I just felt at home. Middle School and High School showed me how significant quoting/memorizing Bible verses was in private school and going to chapel on Wednesdays. I didn’t like the public school atmosphere and not being surrounded by Christians. Throughout high school, I craved Christian fellowship, I was convicted about asking friends to come to church, and I tried to read my Bible more and grow spiritually.

For my whole christian life, I haven’t seen all the growth, except a smidget. I don’t know if that is because I was saved at a young age and grew up knowing the gospel like the back of my hand. But it really bothers me that I have felt spiritually dead in my life and haven’t absorbed the gospel like I know I should. Even though someone else in Africa may have a totally different culture, doesn’t mean that my relationship with Jesus should be any different. I should be able to understand the significance of my sins and the cross and that weight on Jesus shoulders. It really really bugs me.

That’s why I’ve been blogging about the Same exact subject for a whole entire month. I’ve been thinking these thoughts for years. I have looked at people and said to myself, “They GET it.” I get it, but at the same time I don’t. You know what I’m saying? But that doesn’t mean that I do not believe it.

So through this time, I’ve seen how I Have matured in my faith, but how my faith is still the tiny mustard seed it was in middle school. I’m slowing having things be revealed to me, which does arouse new fears and questions. But from this, I know that once God does Fully open my eyes and allow me to give myself to Him totally(even though I have told Him I give him myself, my life, everything), that my testimony will be soooo glorifying to him. I want to come out of this stronger than ever so that I Can walk up to to people and no be anxious, so that I can ‘preach’ the gospel to others/ describe God and not falter but have joy in the pit of my soul and say that Jesus did that for Me. God loves Me this much and he brought Me out of my ditch. He moved my mountain and conquered the enemy.

I pray and look forward to that day. I am eagerly awaiting it.

We take the gospel and the Bible for granted. I know I do. I watched a video one of my friends posted on facebook, about a whole tribe in another country accepting Christ and truly realizing what He had done for them. For three months the missionaries preached, twice a day, mon-friday, all in chronological order. The people saw the significance of their sins and the significance of Jesus. When Judas betrayed Jesus, Jesus was on the cross, these people were really upset, shouting and looking confused. Their hearts were hungering for God and they fully understood that they were due his wrath. But when Jesus was hanging upon the cross(they had many scenes acted out) and they saw the blood, they understand, and many stood up and shouted out and danced because they believed in Christ. When the missionaries told them that if they believed that Jesus died for their sins, that he rose from the dead, they all literally jumped up praising God and for TWO HOURS danced and shouted and praised Jesus.

I wish we could all be like that in America, or at least the countries that have ‘everything’ compared to countries in South America and Africa, where tribes are living off of what They bring home for dinner and not what they buy frozen from the grocery store.

I have taken God and his love for granted my Entire life because I’ve grown up in the church. I hope that God will remove my blindfold, so that I may fully see and soak in what Christ did for me. All of these distractions like technology and having material things are more of a curse it seems, at times. I am blessed, but sometimes I wish I were not. I believe in Christ, but I want my belief in him to produce the faith of those people in the video. I want my relationship to be like theirs. God truly is amazing. I don’t understand how he can love me, when I don’t love him enough, when my faith is weak, when I don’t see the significance as the cross like those tribal people. I see its significancce, but it has not hit me like it should. Please pray for me.

I want to be a walking testimony of Christ like so many other christians are. I understand that not everyone is constantly on fire for God, not everyone has gone through the same experiences, but they bear more fruit almost constantly. I pray that God would help me to bear pure fruit, and I looked for it from the past few years in high school. I wish I bore more. I’ve been stuck in the same baby christian stage for years upon years.

There is this barrier that is keeping me from understand God’s word like I want it to, from keeping Jesus atonement from being more personal to me, for keeping me from realizing the worthiness of God beyond my understanding, and so many other things. It has been hindering me for so long. I want to have Jesus shine through me and I want to be totally trusting and transformed.

Sometimes I feel like I’m deceiving myself. I feel like I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. My whole life. I’m only 17. And I’m so concerned about this. But it is a big deal. It should be. And I know I’m not the only christian who has gone through this. It just really burdens me that my eyes haven’t been opened like they should. I know God will be faithful and that he longs for me to run into his arms and just love him for Him. Because He is Sovereign and Mighty and Powerful and the most CREATIVE GOD EVER. The Only God. He created Colors and Ecology and Wildlife and US. He created the whol UNIVERSE. HEAVEN. He created all things WONDERFUL AND AMAZING. I KNOW IT. I SEE IT. I JUST DON’T GRASP IT.

I Somewhat do, but it isn’t ‘connecting’ like it should. I don’t want to be lukeworm or useless in God’s eyes. I don’t want satan to bombard me with lies and deceit and hatred and make me careless and lazy and frightened. I WANT JESUS. I WANT FIRE. A HOLY FIRE ONLY FROM HIM. I WANT TO WALK UP TO PEOPLE WITH OUT HESITATION AND TELL THEM THAT JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY AND HE HAS DIED FOR EVERYONE AND THAT HE LOVES US AND THAT WE CAN GROW TO LOVE HIM, I WANT TO BE CONCRETE IN MY FAITH. dewafsgdrhfe. I want God to open me uuuuuup. I want to be able to tell between satan’s lies, myself, and God. I just wonder whether or not I am truly being led by Him or if He is beginning to give me peace.

 I don’t know what to do. But my eyes are on You, Lord, I know you are able and faithful and full of love. TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Please. Tell Me What I need to Confess before you that I haven’t already. Please create within me a new heart and spirit and give me new eyes. Holy eye implants. I want them. I have so many friends that you’ve placed in my life that I want to be saved. They could radically change and influence their families. I know that they can love you and be stronger than I.

ת Taw

¹⁶⁹ May my cry come before you, LORD;
give me understanding according to your word.
¹⁷⁰ May my supplication come before you;
deliver me according to your promise.
¹⁷¹ May my lips overflow with praise,
for you teach me your decrees.
¹⁷² May my tongue sing of your word,
for all your commands are righteous.
¹⁷³ May your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
¹⁷⁴ I long for your salvation, LORD,
and your law gives me delight.
¹⁷⁵ Let me live that I may praise you,
and may your laws sustain me.
¹⁷⁶ I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant,
for I have not forgotten your commands.

My thoughts on the layout of the verse:

1. Prayer
2. Praise
3. Longing
4. Recognition