So, with my little issue today…
I went into the shower, began praying, and just started singing worship songs like they were one song, and I just felt joy rise within me and I was just so content praising Jesus and then I was just smiling and thanking God and it was so wonderful.
Even after, probably five or ten minutes, I had that little nerve shoot out within me of you’re not trusting God because you are still worrying a little! And so I was like noooooooooo. But I really wanted to read Hebrews because on tumblr people have posted some one-liners and they sounded really cool, so I wanted to read some Hebrews and learn more and find more encouraging things. But then, when I got to one of the verses it kinda freaked me out. It was dealing with the Israelites who turned to God but had unbelieving hearts so they always fell, and God told them straight up they would never find His rest. And the author(Idk who it is…) was warning believers about falling away and from unbelieving hearts. And my commentary said that people who just return to sin like they did weren’t really saved(I can clarify if you want, and quote it cause that does sound a little like OH PEOPLE WHO RETURN TO SINS ARE NEVER SAVED. But it isn’t..) and so I was like GAH. And I started crying, veen after my moment of joy. Because I felt that because I have a lack of faith/trust in God that I have never truly trusted Jesus if I return to questioning salvation and getting stuck and stumbling and getting nervous around verses like these…And I was just crying out to God and asking him to basically redirect me and help me, because I’m sooooooooo tired of feeling like this and going back and forth.
So, I stopped reading Hebrews… and after a while I thought about the verse again, and I think I need to just ask for help with verses like these, because I think I read them out of context a lot of the time..And it is not that I am unbeliving, I just don’t like how I can struggle with trusting in God with all of the evidence of God around me and the truths in the Bible. It’s ridiculous how I am.
But I ended up walking around the lake later cause my dad was like WHY WERE YOU CRYING and he likes for me to get my mind off things like this..so I wlaked and I just sat at our gazebo watching lizards and the sky..and I was just praying. And I called Satan Out and told him to leave me, quit lying to me, because he is not welcomed. And I asked God from that moment to just give me assurance and more fiath and trust and joy. And now, I just feel :) I feel content. And I want it to grow and blossom. Yay. :)